He Sleeps

As I watch him sleep, I wonder about a variety of things.

I wonder if he dreams of days gone by…both good and bad.  Does he dream of the day his son was born? Does he dream of his first win as a fighter?  Of his first loss?  He lies so still on the blood red pillow that I wonder if he dreams at all.

I wonder how he manages to be so still when he sleeps.  I’m up no fewer than three times per night.  A lot of nights I am awake for good by 3:00 AM.  We have such a similar past.  I wonder how he isn’t  continually haunted.  It appears he isn’t and for that I am relieved.

I wonder what it must have been like to watch him fight in the ring.  It seems odd to me…hard to rectify, even, that a man so gentle with me could be as violent in the MMA ring that I’ve heard.

I wonder if he truly sees his own potential in this life.  He has changed so much over the last few months.  Such great accomplishments and he continuously strives for achievement.  Yet, I wonder if he sees what I see in him.  Does he see the man that cares for me?  Does he see the man that doesn’t back down from hardship or a challenge?  Does he see the beauty of his own mind and soul?  Then again…do any of us fully comprehend our own beauty?

As I watch him sleep, I observe a number of things.

I observe his even breathing.  We can cuddle together on the L-shaped couch and watch a movie.  His even, deep breathing has been known to lull me to sleep.  His breathing is so deep and steady.  I often struggle at night to determine if he is asleep or awake.  Soft snores rarely escape his lips.

I observe the way his chiseled cheekbones curve and mold into his round chin.  I have never seen his jaws clench in his sleep.

I observe his tattoos.  I’ve seen them hundreds if not thousands of times during our relationship.  The one that has always been prominent to my eyes is the one on the inside of his elbow.  The black frame around the stick figure on a cell phone…the top of the frame follows the crook of his left arm.  I find that particular tattoo very appealing.  On his left shoulder, I am drawn to the faded tattoo of what appears to me to be some sort of tribal marking.  Looking at those tattoos never gets old.  I find it to be a calming ritual.  To see them reminds me that he is laying on his side facing me.  If I need him, he is there.

I observe his hand upon his chest.  When he lays on his back, his left hand is usually upon his chest.  I consider his hands…the times they brushed away my tears, hugged me, and so often carry me to bed when I fall asleep in the living room.  I drift away and remember the feel of his fingers tracing my spine.

I observe him as a man who sticks to particular rules of being a man.  One rule is sleeping on the outside of the bed.  I asked him why shortly after we first started spending the night together.  He told me a story…that back in the day of plunder and loot, the men would sleep on the outside of the bed.  The reasoning was to be able to more quickly stop an attack.  Should someone come into the quarters, the man could jump out of bed and protect his family.  I have never forgotten that story.  We’ve tried switching sides of the bed.  Even I am not comfortable.

I observe him as a devoted father who does not allow people to place limits on his son.  He teaches his son by example to be the best at what he is capable of doing.

I observe him as my intended husband.  I see him as an entire person.  My caretaker.  My love.  My rock.  My best friend.

– Faery Dae –

Tomorrow…

So tomorrow we protest.  I won’t get in to my reasoning here (right now) about my severe distaste for WBC.

Now it is time to protest.  Their reasoning is ridiculous.

Do you know why it is raining so hard here right now?  I am firm convinced that God is trying to drown WBC while in Oklahoma.

I will definitely be at the funeral they are picketing tomorrow.  I’ve never been arrested before, but I’ll try anything once…twice if necessary.

I’d love to see as many Pagans as possible.  I know some are coming from the Texoma area to stand with us.

Planning

Being stalked has a devastating effect on a person’s life.

Because of the PO I have against my ex-husband, it’s made it nearly impossible to see two of my children.  I hope none of you ever have to choose between your safety or your children.  Yes, I am taking legal means to deal with that issue.  It’s just a slow process.  It’s a very slow process.  Thankfully they are a little older and they see what is happening.

Court was horrifying at the beginning of the week.  It’s obvious he is doing whatever he can to find me online.  He’s not supposed to do that either.  My attorney let him dig his own hole.  It’s hard to prove HE did it versus having someone else do it.  Wording is everything in a PO.  Despite my not being public about it, he knows I am engaged.

That’s the other thing…because of how he behaves I can’t be a “normal” bride.  I can’t have a pinterest feed of ideas to FB.  I can’t do much on my FB to talk about it.  I very rarely even discuss it via messenger.  Messenger at least gives some reasonable belief of privacy.  So the fact that he knows means he’s getting in to my things or my fiance’s things.  Either way isn’t cool.  I don’t know why he cares.  When he left, he did it for someone else.

Yet, we are going forward with our plans.  My ex’s motion to dismiss the PO was rejected.  Nothing that was brought up was relevant.

We have our ceremony venue chosen.  It has a beautiful background.  It’s outdoors.  We have a photographer.  She is doing all the photos (engagement, wedding, and a video) for cost.  The benefits of having good friends, right?  We are still seeking a reception venue.  We have a couple of ideas for both the wedding and reception.

I have taken on a couple of more writing gigs.  I’ve just been too stressed to do what I do best…write.

I found a lovely little necklace I want to buy for my future mother in law.  The pendant reads: Thank you for raising the man of my dreams.

We have been working on our vows.  He is going to make a hand fasting rope.  It really will be a most beautiful Eostara.  That’s why we planned it so far out.  His original time to propose was Eostara (2013).  Since that didn’t happen, that’s when the wedding will be.  That’s not to say we haven’t talked about just going somewhere and getting married…and still planning the big stuff with family.

I found a couple of meditations on YouTube that seem to help reduce my pain level for my back.

We had to redo the altar.  Mine was set up and had my Buddhas on it.  Then, we got rid of my furniture and kept his.  So the table I use now is a little smaller and doesn’t have a shelf underneath.  It’s now a mix of both of our things.  Really, it’s mostly my things…but he has things on the altar that we just want to make sure do not get broken.

The dreams are back…and getting worse.  I am thinking of returning to my bedtime blessing.  It’s hard for me because when I first started practicing magick years and years and years ago, I made this vow (mostly to myself) that I wouldn’t use magick for myself.  I realize it isn’t exactly personal gain, but I find it hard to even do small rituals for myself.

Careful with words

My entire life I have taken great care with the words I speak and write.  As an adult the primary reason is to clearly communicate on a personal and professional level.  Tonight as I was reflecting on my name, I realized the power each word we say or write presents.

As an instructor it is my goal to produce professionals who now how to choose the proper word to convey their meaning.  Practicing and, hopefully one day, mastering this art form will enhance their lives as individuals, as part of a couple, as a parent, and as a professional.

It’s the same with magick and choosing or being given our name.  Realize when you are researching words, deities, elemental attributes, and anything else that you may consider that those particular words have power.

For instance, when you hear or read the name Aphrodite.  What do you think of first thing?  Love.  Beauty.  If you think about a cat…what are the first couple of things that come to mind?  What if someone calls you a name?  What if they were joking, but in your mind it was hurtful?  Those are still powerful words.

When we carefully design our spells or rituals, we make sure and define words and limits.  We need to choose the proper words.  Outside of the Rede, there are still practical considerations.  Every action has a reaction.  It’s the same with words.

So as you are exploring your path and as you seek out your magickal identity, remember that words have power.  We speak life or death.  Words work in the same manner.

– Faery Dae –

My ring

My ring

He officially proposed yesterday. There’s a huge pond where we live with a private island. We went out on to the private island. That’s where he proposed with this lovely little vintage family ring.

A Thankful Heart

No matter that I am still not sleeping with any sort of regular timing.  I was tired around 9 pm after we returned with the little one from an afternoon at the park (playing in the warm rain!) and then going to see my parents.  Now I am wide awake.  Generally, it hasn’t mattered what time I’ve gone to bed.  I am awake by 3 am.  Tonight I might not sleep at all.

No matter that sometimes I feel insecure.  I think we all do from time to time…since we are spiritual beings having a human experience.  I just got through about ten minutes worth of that.  I know my fiance reads this (on occasion)…so I am sure this will come to his attention and he’ll want to know.  Talking is good for the soul; there’s nothing I cannot tell him.

Today, May 10, 2013, my daughter graduates high school.  My tall, wispy faery child.  She has honey colored hair and water blue eyes.  She has the frame of a dancer.  I realize I will sound biased with my next statement.  My girl is absolutely amazing when it comes to the written word.  I am not much of a fan of fantasy stories, but she can pull in anyone….including her realist mother.

It’s a little bittersweet.  She will always be my baby girl.  She will be 19 at the end of the year.  She has her first boyfriend.  They talk of marriage.  I break out in cold sweats and remind her that it’s nothing to rush.  If it is meant to be, it will still be meant to be in three years or so.  I am turning 35 this year.  Yes, I see you doing the math.  Yes, I finished high school.  Yes, I eventually went to college.

My darling girl – if you should ever stumble upon this entry, know that you and your brothers are the best things that walk the face of the earth.  Know that you are beautiful and worthy of love and respect.  Know that while relationships with a lover / significant other are wonderful things, you don’t need another person to complete you.  You are complete just as you are.  The goddess reigns within you.

I am always here for you.

I love you, my girl…my precious faery child.

– Faery Dae –

Saturday

The moving process for him starts Saturday.  I refer to him as well…him…on here because we haven’t thought of anything to call him yet.  LOL

He is moving in with me.  Believe it or not – that saves money.  He has an entire living room set so I can send mine back to Aaron’s.  I can put my money back toward the wedding.

A few of our friends know about the wedding.  His mom knows and my dad knows. My mom doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut so I haven’t told her just yet.

His little one is doing well with the adjustment.  That makes me incredibly happy.  His little one has been my little buddy since day one.  We set up a wedding page, but unfortunately I can’t post it here since I don’t really need my name getting out.

Today my students finished their midterm early.  I have one student that is taking her midterm for tomorrow since she won’t be here.  Today is also Student Appreciation Day.  We are having a cook out.

I kind of wish I could just go home, but I always go to the cook outs.  I have a lot of grading to do since I am teaching five classes this term.  I also have an article to finish for a local magazine.  Then, of course, family time.  We need to find the XBox controller that the little one misplaced the other day.  It was the only controller.  🙂  I just call the XBox my fancy NetFlix machine.  I’m not much of a gamer.

I also want to work on my vows a little more.  I need to get my printer fixed.  It says it’s jammed, but I can’t find the jam.  It’s an all in one Epson.  It’s only a year old.  I’m a little frustrated with it.  If I can get it fixed, I will do our announcements and invitations.  We know exactly what we want for our announcements.

– Faery Dae –

The overworked and under-rested!

Update

The PO is still intact.  The Judge actually refused to hear it.  She unconsolidated it from the divorce and remanded it back to the originating Judge.  Final PO orders can’t be combined to a closed divorce matter.  I would have been fine with the consolidation.  One Judge is generally better than two separate Judges.  However, I am very pleased that it goes back to the Judge who ordered it.

We return to court on May 20.

Praise be to the Goddesses and Gods.  I thank those of you that sent vibes, lit candles, and otherwise held good thoughts.

– Faery Dae –

Ma’at

I corresponded with Lady M., today through my comments on my prior post.  In her wisdom, she suggested I call on the goddess Ma’at.  She is the goddess of Truth and Justice.

I found a great web page that covered Her divine nature and had an invocation.  I believe magick can be done anytime…regardless of what you do or don’t have with you.  Sitting at work, it’s probably obvious that I don’t have an ostrich feather.  However, I still believe She heard me.  I felt Her.

I thank Her publicly just as much as I did privately.  I thank Lady M., for seeing to my time of need.

– Faery Dae –